Musings

Do you know what it’s like? Do you know what it’s like to hear a police officer tell you that your husband has died? Do you know what it’s like to feel the world disappear beneath your feet as your entire life turns to dust? Do you know what it’s like to feel your soul die inside your body as the realization hits you that the love of your life has taken his own life? Do you know what it’s like to scream from the very depth of your being because the pain is so overwhelming and a scream is all you can manage? Do you know what it’s like to be afraid to sleep because you may dream that he’s alive and waking up is reliving his death every morning? Do you know what it’s like to call your love’s parents and children to tell them that the person they loved so much has died? Do you know what it’s like to have to retell how he died to hundreds of people as the news starts to spread? Do you know what it’s like to not recognize yourself in the mirror because the grief has transformed you? Do you know how it feels to watch your hair fall out and then come back in white because the trauma has literally changed your body? Do you know what its like to lose your cognitive ability so much that someone literally has to take care of you 24 hours a day including helping you eat, think, drive, shower, clean, get groceries, drink water and even dress? Do you know what it’s like to want, more than anything in the world, to die? Do you know what it’s like to literally beg the people who love you to leave you alone and let you die? Do you know what it’s like to hold your husbands ashes in your lap? Do you know what it’s like to hold your husbands children as they cry? Do you know what it’s like to bury your husband in the ground? Do you know what it’s like to visit your husbands grave and black out from the grief, to the point that you become conscious first of hearing what sounds like a dying animal and realize the sound is coming out of you? Do you know what it’s like to pack away what is left of your husbands life, knowing that he’s never coming home? Do you know what it’s like to bury your future with your husband, to grieve both what is lost and what will never be? Do you know what it’s like to be afraid of every breath because you never know which moment will find you wailing and weeping and unable to breathe from the pain? Do you know what it’s like to imagine the last moments of the life that was more important to you than your own? Do you know what it’s like to lose every bit of hope you’ve ever had? Do you know what it’s like to wake up every morning, shocked that you are still alive? Do you know what it’s like to be the only one you know that knows what it’s like?

You don’t know what it’s like? Then please don’t judge me for how I’m trying to survive.