“Everyone else has lost sight of your heart
And you can see nowhere to put your trust;
You know you have to make your own way through.” -John O’Donohue
Nothing has ever made the above passage feel more true than losing my husband. He was the only person I felt ever truly knew my heart. I trusted him more than I have ever trusted anyone. Then he killed himself. He left by choice. He didn’t say goodbye. My husband murdered my husband.
I feel like the world went dark. It became the loneliest place. Everyone else had never even seen my heart. The person I trusted most in the world betrayed that trust in the most devastating way. I knew, almost the moment he died, that I would have to make my way through this alone. I may have people around me but no one can do this with me. Not really.
I hate that I don’t feel like there is anyone in the world who really sees me anymore. It makes me sad that I don’t feel like I can truly trust anyone. No one stays. No one ever does. I don’t want to need anyone or lean to hard or let anyone get too close. I feel like I need to go it alone.
I let people help me. I let people hold me sometimes. I let them love me, to an extent. I don’t let them all the way in. The one time I did that, it nearly killed me. I believed, with my whole heart, that he would never leave me. He left me in the worst possible way.
Don’t get me wrong, I want to love again. I want to trust. I want someone to really see my heart. I want to lean in and have someone be my safe place and share my whole self with someone again. I want to share my life with someone who loves me for me and accepts me as I am.
How do I trust again? I do I show my inner heart to someone again? How do I lean in? How do I find a way to allow someone close enough to share my life?
That is the real journey alone. The journey of self. The journey of recovery is a lonely one. The journey through my trauma and into healing. The journey of letting go of the fears and scars that hold me back. Only I can do it. I am on my way. I work every day to take another step.
I don’t have the answers on how to do the things I need to. The best way to find out if you can trust someone is to trust them. I wish it were that simple. I need to change my core belief that everyone I love will leave me. I don’t know how to do that. Sometimes I feel like I just need one person to show me that I’m wrong. I thought Bob was that person and he shattered me when he died.
I take small steps. I am trying. I will get there so long as that is what I want. But it’s a long path. I hope I find my way to trust and showing my heart and loving and sharing my life. I’m not there yet. My heart is still bleeding. Maybe someday.