I Will Not Shield You

I will not shield you from my reality. I will not protect you from the horror of it. This is life. People die. Grief is messy and devastating. Death is a certainty. Pain and grief as much as part of life as joy and happiness.

I will not shield you by pretending I’m okay. I will not put a mask on to make you comfortable. I will not be quiet so you don’t have to see reality. It’s time for us to talk about truth. It’s time for society to stop turning away from reality.

My husband died. He put a rope around his neck and took his own life in my garage. He left behind so many people who loved him. He was amazing and kind and gentle and beautiful…

And he is dead. He made the choice to end his life. It very nearly killed me. So many people have been forever changed because he died. We will never be the same. This is our reality. Why should we hide it for you?

It is my every day reality. I have nothing to protect me from it. It is just the way things are now. I do not have the energy or desire to pretend for anyone. I will not shield you from my truth. If you cannot handle reality then you probably don’t have a seat at my table.

I am unapologetic about my honesty since my husband died. I believe he died because he felt he had to be quiet, to pretend. He was afraid of what people would think. He was afraid to upset anyone. I will not dishonor his loss by doing the same. I will speak my truth. I will honor my grief. I will not hide.

Hiding any of this would imply Im ashamed. I’m not ashamed of loving him. I’m not ashamed that he died. I’m not ashamed of my grief. I am not ashamed of my pain. I’m not ashamed that I’m messy. Why should I hide?

I will not shield you. Maybe you can learn something from my experience….before you have one of your own.

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