Getting Better

“It will get better someday.”

“It will get easier with time.”

“You’ll move on someday.”

The ignorant things people say when they haven’t experienced sudden, tragic loss. They mean well but those things are simply not true. I mean, I knew that from the first day I was widowed by suicide. I knew I was never going to be “better”. I just knew it. I knew that this is something you don’t get over, something you don’t “move on” from.

There are some things that don’t get better. That’s the cold, hard truth. There are some things you don’t move on from. There are some things you just have to learn to live with, to carry. There are some things you never get to set down. When my husband hunt himself, I knew I was never going to be “better”.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds. You know what? That’s okay. Our society likes to make people feel as if they need to get over things or there’s something wrong with them. I absolutely disagree. There are some awful, tragic things that happen in life that are impossible to get over. There are wounds so deep that they never fully heal. One touch, one reminder, one Anniversary, one trigger and they bleed again.

I’m not saying you don’t find happiness. I’m not saying you can’t move forward. In fact, I encourage anyone who knows this kind of grief to do what they can to find joy again.

What we need to talk about and be honest about is that emotions are not mutually exclusive. I can fall in love again and be happy and still love my late husband and be sad. I can enjoy my life now and still miss the life I had. I can grow and build a new life and move forward and still ache for what never was. I think, too often, people expect that if you laugh or try to find joy that you must not still be sad. This is unequivocally false.

I will always have an ache in my soul. I will always have sadness for what I’ve lost. My heart will always bleed for my late husbands children. I will live with this wound forever. That is a fact that I accepted early on. I don’t see that as good or bad, it just is. I will also find love again and vibe happy again and enjoy my life. I will do it because that is what I want. I have just accepted that all these emotions will love together. They will all coexist and I will honor them all.

They say grief lasts as long as love. I happen to know, without a single doubt that it is true. I will love my late husband until I die. That means I will grieve that long, too. I have learned to be okay with that. I wish everyone else could learn to be okay with my grief as well.

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