“Find the smoldering ache of loss inside of you and soften into it.”…
This is the real work, isn’t it? This is the goal when grief rips your world apart and loss leaves you burning in your skin. To not let it harden you into an impenetrable fortress of pain and bitterness.
I’m trying to soften into my grief instead of hardening against it. It takes a lot of effort to resist…Counseling sessions and self talk and constant reminders and practice. I don’t want my grief to make me something I’m not. I don’t want to be rigid and hardened off from life.
I want to yield to the pain. I know if I let it flow into and through me, I can let some of it go. The fear of allowing that is a real one. The fear that if I even crack the door to that grief, it will become a tidal wave. The knowledge of the amount of pain I carry when I try not to feel anything makes me terrified of how much pain I would feel if I allowed myself to.
I want to let this experience make me softer, kinder, more loving, more tolerant, more all the good things. I suppose it will to some degree. There are also things this grief has made me that I need to work through…bitter, hurt, angry, sad, afraid. I want to find a way to let those things go. I wonder if that is even possible?
I know that when you try to block out any emotions, you really block them all. I want to be open to whatever I feel. I want to allow emotions to flow through me like water in a stream and then be on their way. I want to be open to joy and happiness and love.
I have hope again, finally. Doesn’t make things much easier except that I don’t want to die as often. But there’s hope which means I can build on that. There’s hope I will soften into my grief so I will bend and not break. There is hope that I will build a life I’m proud of and he would be proud of me for. There is hope that I will be able to give a receive love again. There’s hope that I can learn how to trust.
So, I soften when I can. I’m not even successful half the time yet. But, I’m trying. I spend time with people and doing things that help me feel safe and loved. I’m fiercely protective of myself. I am trying every single day to find a way to thrive instead of survive.
I want to soften into my grief