Musings 7/09/2019

I’m tired…

It’s just the beginning of this arduous journey and I’m already exhausted. I had breakthroughs today. I realized how huge of an undertaking it is to heal from trauma this severe. It’s daunting and just the thought of it makes me want to take a nap.

I’ve had a backslide over the past week. I’m back to not sleeping and racing thoughts and upset stomach and full body tremors. I even started wringing my hands again. It’s crazy how quickly I can lose my footing for seemingly no reason.

I realized today, with the help of my counselor, that I haven’t accepted some pretty important truths about my life as it is now. Also, I haven’t really let myself say a real goodbye to Bob. Plus about a million other realizations about how much work I have to do.

I’m going to manage it. I’m going to slay the demons. I’m going to save myself. I’m going to build the life I want. I’m going to do it but I need to accept that it isn’t going to happen overnight or even soon.

I’m tired. I’m scared. I’m lonely. I’m hurting like hell. I need to find a place where I can rest. For now, I will do what I can. Exercise. Healthy food. Marijuana. Support where I can get it. But, right this second, I think I need a nap.

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