More musings

I needed him. Be was my rock, my safe place, my home. I still need him. Without him I am an absolute disaster. I have no home, no safe place, no solid footing. He was the only person I’ve ever known in my whole life that made me feel loved for who I am. He made me feel safe to take off my armor and let my wounds heal. He was the source of my joy. He was my best friend and my partner and my closest confidant. He was my laughter and my hope and my future. He was my everything. I put all I had into loving him. I put all my trust in him. I put all my hope in him. I needed him. I needed him here. I needed his arms around me and his gentle eyes and the love he poured out for me every day. I needed the assurance that I would have him with me to face life’s battles. I’m a mess alone. I’m a mess without my safe place. I’m a mess without him.

Before him I didn’t know what it felt like to feel safe and loved and valued as I am. Since he’s died I sometimes wish I never knew. Because now that I know what I’m missing, it’s nearly unbearable. I miss loving him. I miss taking care of him. I miss making him laugh. I miss telling him how much better my life is because he’s in it. I miss everything. I can’t have that with him anymore. But I want to find it again someday.

I don’t do well alone. I also don’t do well with settling. So, I will figure it out until someone comes along who deserves all this love I have to give and is ready to give it in return. But sometimes the loneliness threatens to consume me.

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