Musings 7/5/2019

Life is crazy.

No, really. It’s nothing like you think it will be when you’re a kid. If I’ve learned anything on this wild adventure it’s that I have no clue what I’m doing. Just when I think I have things figured out and I know what’s going on, life makes sure I don’t.

So, I’ve given up on trying to make sense of life. I’ve given up on wanting to control everything. I’ve given up on expectations. I’ve given up on resistance. I’m focusing solely on being the best version of me I can be. It’s all I have control of anyway. Counseling, EMDR, exercise, a healthy diet and lots of self work. That’s what my life looks like these days.

Becoming a widow was the worst thing that could happen to me. Bob was the center of my life. Losing him to suicide was a real life horror movie. It shattered everything I thought I knew about everything. It changed my perceptions and my reality. It nearly cost me my life, too.

I’ve got all sorts of deep emotional wounds that started way back as a toddler. I’m wounded and bleeding and writhing in pain but I’m fighting like hell. Every choice I make is with survival in mind. I’m fiercely protective of my peace and safety because my life depends on it. My grasp on surviving is still pretty tenuous. But I’ve made it through 229 days so far. 229 days that were much harder than anything I could have imagined and I’m still here.

I’ve come to realize how strong I am. I’m also undeniably and astoundingly brave. I surprise myself sometimes. I didn’t know I was capable of the things I’ve done since Bob died. Hell, just being alive to type this is a goddamned miracle. The abyss is deep and dark and it’s hard as hell to find your way out once you’ve fallen in.

I struggle a lot with loneliness. I ache for real connection. I not only lost Bob but I also lost a majority of my friends and my family. They couldn’t handle the reality of my life. I miss having someone to love and have them love me back. I miss having someone choose me. I miss having someone to care for. I miss having that deep and intimate connection that I had with Bob. He really, truly loved me and I adored him. He really was my favorite everything.

I have a lot to work through. I struggle with severe PTSD and the issues associated with it. I have brain damage that I’m working to overcome. I am needy and clingy right now. I’m scared and injured and really need someone to care enough to hold my hand while I heal.

I’m still worthy of love. I’m still worthy of being desired. I’m flawed and dented and scarred and healing from massive trauma but I’m still a human with needs and desires. I’m also kind and loving and brave and intelligent and compassionate and generous and silly and honest and motivated to heal.

Life doesn’t look like I expected it would. I don’t feel like I expected I would. I am not the person I thought I would be. But that doesn’t mean it’s all bad. Some of it is horrific but some of it is still amazing. There are extremely ugly parts to this life but there are some breathtakingly beautiful parts, too.

Life has been hard. I’ve made some bad choices and had terrible things happen that I didn’t choose. But I’m still here. I have hope. I still feel the good and the bad. I have dreams and goals and so much more to give. I have so much more to do. I miss Bob and I always will. I wish he was still here. I wish he was alive. But, he isn’t. I don’t live in a world where he exists anymore. I can’t live in the past. I can remember him. I can honor his life and our love. I can carry him with me. I also have to look ahead.

I’m ready to figure out how to build my future. I’m ready to heal my wounds and live a happy life. I’m ready to hope to find love again someday. I’m ready to believe in Magic again. I’m ready to love life again. I don’t want to be miserable forever. Life is fleeting and fragile…

There’s no time to waste.

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